What’s a bit of sarcasm between friends? A good atheist friend has sent me this solid sledge of America’s conservative Christians. How much should I say “Ouch?” Let’s find out. The satire comes from “Mrs. Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian,” and we’ll put her words in Italics.
(The YouTube version is here.)
Welcome to my testimony on the top 10 tips for being a conservative Christian. I’m providing this vital information to clear up the confusion some of you have expressed. When you see Americans like Jerry Falwell Jr. Speaker Mike Johnson and Donald Trump claim to be followers of Jesus, yet they ignore every darn thing Jesus ever said. Well, that coincidentally is the first step to being a conservative American Christian. You see, Jesus was want to say some rather peculiar things that are frankly perplexing and inconvenient to modern conservative Americans.
Jesus gave the world a criterion to assess Christians: “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)
And similarly, but more narrowly: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”(John 13:35)
So, we Christians should be up for the world to judge us. So fair point, Mrs Betty Bowers.
A point about Trump, he was asked at a 2015 gathering organised by the socially conservative Family Research Council if he had asked for forgiveness for his sin. He responded, “I am not sure I have. I just go on and try to do a better job from there. I don’t think so,” he said. “I think if I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don’t bring God into that picture. I don’t.” A man who thinks he doesn’t need a saviour is not a Christian.
For example, he told us not to pray in public, to which conservative Christians have roundly responded with one word: rubbish. I mean, if people can’t see you praying, what’s the point? We even have a national day set aside to be seen praying.
Right, Betty. Jesus again: “But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” (Matthew 6:6) I am not so concerned about things like the prayer breakfasts held around Australia, even the national one, because nobody outside deeply-embedded Christians take any notice. But in the US, it is a bit different – the big flashy prayer breakfast in Washington is what Jesus is speaking against.
As taught, Jesus was a refugee in Egypt, fleeing danger in his homeland. So it’s of little surprise that he asks us to treat such intruders with kindness.
Well, I have news for Jesus. Just because Egypt believed in open borders doesn’t mean America has to, besides when Jesus made the unsolicited request that we welcome strangers for all we know, he could have been smirking when he said it.
Jesus told a story about the Good Samaritan, a member of a community that was fierce opponents of the Jews who lived in Jerusalem, to make the point that loving neighbours extended to other communities. As Jesus lived and travelled in the Roman Empire, he did not directly talk about open borders – that’s is something we have to apply his discussion of loving our neighbours to. And the good Samaritan story was his very pointed illustration of this love of neighbour.
When reading scripture, it is important to know when the Lord was speaking tongue-in-cheek or nodding his holy head no or holding up, and I’m just kidding. Sign. And the fun part is you can decide for yourself if any of these things are true, because I’ve never met a conservative Christian worth their salt that couldn’t dexterously interpret their way out of any scriptural nuance.
Have to agree. There’s too much of this about.
For example, Jesus told us not to retaliate. Okay, we’ll just attack first. Jesus also told us not to judge others. Talk about freeing up a conservative Christian’s day. But I have a clever workaround. I reassure everyone. I savagely censure. I’m not judging you, dear. The Lord is I’m just passing along the verdict. You’re welcome.
This site, theothercheek.com.au, is named for that saying of Jesus. “If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.” (Luke 96:29) A rather inconvenient verse for those who seem to think Christians should rule the world. Christian Nationalism – the idea that the US or Australia or any other country should declare itself a Christian state and so adapt its laws, has a real issue with Jesus, who never suggested that the Jews of his day should overthrow the Romans who ruled Israel.
Jesus told us that if we want to call ourselves his followers, we need to sell all our possessions and give the proceeds to the poor. But if you think that one through, that would make us poor and the poor rich, which means they’d have to give it all back to us, so we just skip a step and keep it. Christian denominations have long wrestled with the question, “Is salvation through faith or works?” To which I respond, as anyone who has watched Carolyn Lovet in a press conference knows, salvation is through jewellery.
Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)
He told a “rich young ruler” to sell his possessions “Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, ‘Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?’
“’Why do you ask me about what is good?’ Jesus replied. ‘There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.’
“’Which ones?’ he inquired.
“Jesus replied, ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.’
“’All these I have kept,’ the young man said. ‘What do I still lack?’
“Jesus answered, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’
“Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.’” (Matthew 19:16-24)
But Jesus gave similar advice to the non-rich crowds that followed him: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:19-20)
People like Laura Ingraham like to go on TV wearing big shiny crucifixes or, on certain Wednesdays, a cross of ashes on her forehead. Conservative Christians signal their faith through outward decoration because how else would anyone ever guess they are Christians, certainly not by their words or actions.
Making a show of religion is condemned in the Bible: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self…” (1 Peter 3:3)
Don’t go around telling people you want to undermine public education for kids. That doesn’t sit well with certain testy parents. No. Instead, talk about how fabulous vouchers are for private schools because vouchers are not about educating children. They are about funnelling taxpayer dollars away from public schools and into the hands of for-profit businesses called Christian schools. Clever?
This one is arguably worse in Australia, with a higher percentage of school students in private education. We funnel taxpayer dollars without using vouchers. In this writer’s view, rich schools make a mockery of Jesus’ commands to love our neighbours as ourselves.
Look, we can’t force others to read the Bible. In fairness, it’s not as if most of us read it, but we can force them not to read other books. Banning books is an essential part of being a conservative Christian because secular books open people’s minds to dangerous ideas like science and logic. And as we know, an open mind is Satan’s sex doll. Just because Jesus displayed a suspicious preoccupation with the poor and those without healthcare, he even healed them without a copay, doesn’t mean we need to squander time thinking about people who aren’t even us. Because the Republican Christian motto is, if it doesn’t affect me, it didn’t happen, and if it did affect me, it’s probably persecution. Y’all glory.
Linking this to the Christian schools issue – forcing children to live in a Christian bubble and be afraid of the world justdoes not work. I grew up in a church where the culture was against people going to University. In books like 1 Peter and 1 Thessalonians, Christians are taught to seek to live in peace as a minority in a society that won’t understand them. “Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.” 1 Peter 2:2 As for healthcare, that US attitude goes against the history of the church setting up hospitals and caring for the vulnerable – yes, without co-pay – and in later years working with state institutions, not without tension from time to time, but maintaining a spirit of service. Readers who have been following TheOtherCheek will recall my reflecting of the life of my sister Sylvia, who spent her life working in hospitals and in church and saw both seamlessly as serving Christ in her neighbours.
Image Source: Wikiflag / Wikimedia Christian Nationalism Flag