“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.” (Proverbs 17: 27)
There are many verses in the Bible about our tongues and speech, and our need to be aware of the power of our words. James says
Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. (James 1: 26)
While the orientation of the bible is toward slander, evil and impure words, and judgemental comments, what about those little words or phrases that on the surface appear benign or even disinterested and yet have significant meaning and even witness to our attitude to people? Lately, I have been meditating on some of the more common sayings that could do with some consideration.
With all due respect.
These few little words are possibly the most superfluous and idiosyncratic that one could say, particularly if you are a politician. The context is usually where one is in considerable disagreement with the person with whom you are speaking and the underlying context is possibly one in which you really have no respect, so it is better to avoid hypocrisy and leave these words out of your introduction to a speech or comment.
No Offence [Mate]
You know if you are on the receiving end of these words you are probably about to be offended, or if you are saying these words, you may be the one offending. It is quite likely you mean to offend, and these two words will not make it any easier to the ear of the other. It may be more realistic to say, ‘What I am about to say could offend you.’
You must be busy
This is often said when you telephone someone and while perhaps well-meaning, gives the impression that
a) You don’t have time to talk.
b) The person you have contacted does not have time to talk, so they only need to listen to what you have to say.
This phrase implies that you know the circumstances of the person at the time, and this is not at all likely. It also puts the person immediately in a box and makes them question what your agenda is. A better way could be to simply ask a question, checking with the person as to whether they are able to talk for a while. Perhaps the person does not have the time at that moment to talk, and they can simply let you know and arrange another time.
How are you?
A slightly difficult one to comment on because this is often well-intentioned, though we would all know people who have no sooner asked you this, than they are onto what they wanted to tell you, without one thought of listening to your response. I remember one of the elderly members of my church used to quickly cut in when someone asked him this question with – “You wouldn’t like to know.” [I have so many things wrong].
One of the issues is that this question is really a form of greeting in the Western context. It is not an existential question, or even for the most part, a question as to the real state of your health or being. I viewed a program many years ago about a group from another country being taught English. At the start the teacher asked, ‘How are you?” and one of the students stood up and started to tell the teacher about the state of their health. Another student stopped them and said something like, “He does not want to know that. He is just introducing himself.” In summary, this is a profoundly serious question, but don’t worry if people don’t respond by saying ‘good,’ as only God is good. This question may be a helpful one to ask your friend or contact after you have been engaged in conversation and you have been listening to their concerns and joys.
Are you okay? /RUOK?
Again, this is one of those significant questions and certainly should not be asked lightly. If you are going to ask this question, perhaps it is best not to send out several hundred SMS, emails and social media posts, but pray and think about who you could ask, and then take time to seriously listen to the person, instead of checking how many people liked your post while the person you are speaking to on the telephone is telling you about their deepest concern.
I’ll pray for you
There is a helpful scene in the Christian faith film Overcomers, in which a person in their hospital bed checks up on the person who had visited (accidentally or rather God arranged), as to whether he had prayed for him, and to his credit, the person says ‘No’. If you are not going to pray for someone, it is better not to give that hope.
What a difference it could make to our Christian witness and pastoral care if we asked questions, listened, and responded like Jesus.