A video of a confession by an evangelical minister confessing to being a bully, a response from another minister who has counselled him to come clean and one of the elders who accepted his resignation has been shared on some Australian Christian social media. In the video real names have been used, and The Other Cheek suspects it has been shared more widely than intended.
It is a good example of a Christian response to a distressing and all too common situation.
The Other Cheek has removed all identifying material, so readers can appreciate it simply as an example of handling a church bullying situation well. The two ministers are Australians, well-known in their denomination.
We’ve called the confessing bully, Minister X, the Minister pastoring him is Pastor Y, and we’ll just call the elder, Elder Z.
Hi friends. My name is Pastor Y. I’m with Minister X and Elder Z, one of the elders of our church. And I want to take, uh, the opportunity to invite Minister X to share some important and really difficult news about his future at [this church] and the reasons for it. It’s being filmed because we want to make sure that all who need to hear it are hearing it at the same time. :
Minister X: Thanks, brother. It’s with genuine sadness, deep shame, and humble remorse and bewilderment that I find myself at the point where I now am confronted by my own sinful behaviour that’s impacted those that I love deeply and delighted in serving alongside. On November the eighth. Pastor Y faithfully, carefully, but firmly outlined to me the specifics of aspects of my behaviour that had been harmful to some of the other members of the staff team. He also helped me to begin to grasp the damage that I’d done.
As Proverbs 27:6 says, the wounds from a friend can be trusted. As we spoke, it became clearer and clearer to me that I’ve behaved in ways that can never be considered as honouring to God nor kind and loving towards those Jesus died to save. I have belittled others and publicly shamed them. I’ve given harsh feedback, and crushed confidence. I’ve used cruel humour. I’ve failed to give people space to disagree, and I’ve made them feel stupid and worthless. I’ve also failed to appreciate and to understand the nature and impact of the power imbalances that exist in my relationships with others on the staff team, if you’ve been hurt by me, please talk to someone you know who’s safe to talk to.
This behaviour has no place in God’s family, and especially so amongst those in leadership who shepherd God’s people. One Timothy 3 holds leaders to a much higher standard of conduct, conduct, which is to be above reproach conduct, which commends Jesus in every part of our lives. I’ve failed to do that and I have no excuse. I should have known and behaved better. That is, in ways that honoured my Lord and Saviour and those he died to save.
As someone who’s been [bullied] for much of my life and protected others who have been bullied, I should have known more than anybody else. And to then become a bully is both heartbreaking and horrifying for me. That is to know the fear, anxiety, and feelings of being unsafe, that that come from being bullied and then perpetrate that on others is inexcusable and deeply disturbing to me, and something for which I’m solely, solely responsible.
I’m thankful to God for the bravery and courage that a number of my colleagues have shown, as they’ve graciously laid out for me my actions. And they’ve helped me to grasp just an indication … of their impact. You see, I’m grateful to God that they gave me the opportunity to apologise to them, and I’m thankful for God’s work in them that’s enabled them with grace to forgive me now I recognise that sin has consequences and a simple apology cannot put things back the way they were. I am more than willing to accept the consequences of my actions. I am committed to doing everything that I can to help repair any damage that I’ve done.
It was entirely appropriate friends, and I’ve willingly offered my resignation to the elders, which they have, they’ve accepted. If your heart goes out to anyone at this time, please, please make sure that it goes out to those who have been hurt.
I am broken. I hate who I’ve become. I need help being fixed. I’m grateful that at [this church] our posture has always been that it’s okay to not be okay. But do hear me say this, I know that it’s not okay to behave as I have. It neither cares for the people nor honours God. I’m grateful for the commitment of the elders commitment to see me changed and restored as a man who who does reflect Jesus in all of my relationships going forward.
I’m thankful for the patience that so many have extended to me. I’ve been confronted by how broken I am and by how much I need to change.
I know the grace of God towards me, his word and his Spirit. They are at work in me. I know that he can and will change me. Be assured that I am looking forward with hope to the difficult and painful discipline of our Heavenly Father. That discipline will shape me more and more into the image of his Son.
I covet your prayers as he works within me. Please pray that God would continue to heal those that I’ve hurt, binding up their wounds and restoring them. Please also pray that I would lean in to my Heavenly Father’s kind and loving, disciplining hand that will be at work in my life, that I’ll be truly and deeply transformed by him to be the man that he would have me to be. And finally pray that God would continue to enable Elder Z, Pastor Y and the other elders to lead the staff and the congregation of [this church] with wisdom and grace. I love this church and I’m deeply thankful to God for the blessing that it’s been for [my wife] and I to be part of such an extraordinary community. Serving at [this church] has been both the absolute highlight of my ministry life as well as the most difficult. Thank you.
Pastor Y: Thank you, Minister X. This has been so hard. Brothers and sisters for everyone. As you listen to Minister X, you’ll probably fall into one of two categories at this point. Either you have experienced the damaging behavior yourself and I guess having your, the pain publicly knowledged for the very first time. We want to say, if that’s you, please talk to [name removed] our counsellor at church, or just someone whom you can trust to really begin that journey of healing.
It’s critical that you do that and we want you to know we’d love you to do that. Secondly, you may be thinking, “but I have a great relationship with Minister X. I’ve not experienced anything but love and support.” You know, “why are we picking on Minister X?”
He has done so much good in this church and I want to say friends, that’s exactly right. He absolutely has done so much good at [this church]. He’s been a terrific blessing in so many ways. But the fact of the matter remains, that your experience is not the only one. There are those who have been both seriously wounded and loved by Minister X on the one hand. And there are those who have only been loved and cared [for] by Minister X. And I guess I would say to you at this point, I would ask that you would please not deny or diminish the other people’s experience,
Or worse than that, don’t blame them for coming forward and telling their story. I would also want to say, don’t whatever you do make something worse than what it is now. That would actually be a lie. Let me be very clear.
You know, there is no one more honorable and above approach in the area of purity than Minister X.
You know, we are more than the sum of our failures are we not? And we are more than the sum of our successes as children of God. We are part glory, part ruin. And the danger is either we demonise our brother and forget all the good works that God has done through him. And that would be wrong, so wrong. But equally to minimise the damage that Minister X himself admits he has done, and profoundly regrets, would actually be even worse. So resist the urge to take sides or better still, I think it’s more helpful to think of taking the side of Jesus who both weeps with those who weep for whatever reason they’re weeping or who has come to forgive sinners like you and me.
Life is complex and I know Minister X’s behaviour was not done with a malicious heart. That is clear to me. He has now become so aware of this significant blind spot in his life and he’s so committed to work on it by the Spirit of God and by the counsel of others.
I thank God that from the very beginning of this journey, this painful journey, Minister X’s posture has been one of repentance and brokenness before God. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, as well as also a genuine concern for those who have been impacted by his behavior.
His resignation was offered willingly. It was offered from the heart and it was offered for the sake of those whom he hurt. The elders then struggled for up to 10 days whether to accept that resignation. And we took external counsel from experts in the field and their clear advice was that when such behavior takes place for more than say six months, it never seems to work to place that person and return them [to] a staffing position at the same church.
We understand not everyone will agree with the elders accepting of Minister X’s resignation. And that’s okay.
Now, is this an overreaction? You know, Minister X who taught us the Bible so well has just taught us, and I quote these words from him, “this behavior has no place in God’s family and especially among those who in leaderships shepherd the sheep. One Timothy three holds leaders to a high standard of conduct, which is to be above approach and which commends Jesus in every part of our life.”
We are not talking about hurt feelings from very sensitive people. Here, we heard Minister X, or rather Minister X himself heard firsthand the testimony of those who really experienced profound psychological damage. And we heard it from a number of people. He heard it from a number of people. He’s not diminished their pain. Can I ask you not to diminish their pain as well?
You know, all the sheep and not just most need to feel safe with the shepherds. Let me also be clear. It’s rare to have a pastor accept, the accusation of bullying publicly own it, apologise publicly without reservation and commit to work on it himself. And let me tell you, this is to God’s glory.
You know, in all of this, our heart goes out to Minister X’s wife. We so hate how the process has caused her so much pain. We know Minister X’s wife’s love for Minister X and the blessing. she has been to so many at [this church] and we truly honour her.
The elders will provide support and training, counseling and mentoring. And we want to make sure that this is a high priority for us.
We long to see Minister X to be the man of God whom God has called him to be and whom he wants to be. And we look forward to that day when he will return to gospel ministry as a renewed man of God.
Finally as I began I want to end by stressing if you are hurting and have not had the chance to speak to someone, remember it was Minister X himself who said he wants you to speak up and be healed. You are not being disloyal to him.
But God isn’t finished with any of us, is he? He never is. Be assured, God’s good purposes are being worked out right here, right now in this moment and this season for those of you who are hurting for Minister X and Minister X’s wife, for those who are already grieving the loss of Minister X and Minister X’s wife from [this church] for us at [this church], for the staff…
You know, the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 8 28: “And we know that in all things including this, God works for the good of those who love him and who’ve been called according to his purposes.” And Minister X has always taught us rightly so you read words in context. The good there is that God is shaping us all to be more like Christ. We understand you may be feeling a range of emotions from shock, anger, relief, confusion at the news, and there’ll be an opportunity to ask any question after each of the services at [this church] this Sunday, on December the 11th; … But I want to invite now, Elder Z one of our lay elders, to actually lead us in prayer because now more than ever, we need the strength of our loving Father in heaven in this most difficult of seasons. Thank you, Elder Z.
Elder Z: Let us pray. Father in heaven, we come before you with sadness and grief in our hearts. Lord, this is difficult to hear. And so Lord, we come, Lord, seeking your peace, your comfort for the hearts and minds of all that I, which have heard this news.
We want to pray especially for those who have been hurt and wounded by the words and actions of our brother. O Lord, we pray that you would indeed shower them with your grace and with your healing as they go through this time.
Now we want to pray for Minister X, we pray and give you thanks for his posture of repentance. And I pray even as he seeks to be the man that you want him to be, that he would experience the forgiveness of God and that he would be able to set things right so that he would walk in the ways that are which you have purposed for him.
We want to pray for Minister X’s wife, especially. O Lord, it must be so difficult for her. [We] pray, O Lord, for your abundant grace as she deals with the news being known to many as she processes this with Minister X. Continue our Lord to grant wisdom and grace to the elders as they make decisions, as they make plans, as they walk and journey with Minister X, as they walk and journey with the staff, and especially with those who’ve been wounded and hurt.
Lord, we want to pray for our church, oh Lord, the bride of Christ, that you are preparing to receive us to yourself on that day, that you would indeed do a work in each of us so that we would be presented wholly and blameless. Yes, thank you O Lord for these situations that we can continue to call upon you, that you are our God and you are faithful to all that call upon you. So we ask a lot for your comfort, for your peace, Lord, for Minister X as he goes through this time drawing on you and spirit of God to renew his relationship and his walk with you and pray, especially a lot for those who have been wounded and hurt.
O Lord, we pray, Lord, that you would do a great work of healing in their hearts and in their minds, Lord, that you would give them the joy of salvation, the joy of purpose, Lord, to serve you and to walk in your ways. And so Father, we give you thanks for this time. Pray Lord that you would continue to beat amidst that you will help us a lot to receive your healing and that you’ll continue to shape us all in the image of your Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. In Jesus name we pray. Amen. Amen. Amen.