Chaplain Ben Boland has written Priceless People – Loving Older People & People Living with Dementia
Its a very practical book, as this piece will demonsatrate. In this excerpt Boland explains we can all make a difference.
The Bible tells us that older people are of great value, they are much loved by God, and we are called to love them. In this chapter, we build on this foundational truth to examine the practicalities of how we can effectively care for older people and those living with dementia. Essentially, we need to practise the three Ps: prayer, presence and pastoral care.
Prayer
As God is the source of our ability to love, our whole lives need to start with, and be continually fuelled by, prayer.
Just as, when starting a driving holiday, the fuel tank needs to be filled up and then regularly topped up along the way to power the trip, prayer is fuel for ministry. It’s needed before, during and after all we undertake, to enable us to love. Even when we cannot physically visit, we can and should be praying.
Presence
Which brings us to our next ‘P’: Presence (aka turning up!). Too often, for reasons that may include fear of not knowing what to do and say, or because of the hectic pace of life, we can neglect to offer our presence. Yet our presence can be so valuable, particularly for older people and people living with dementia.
If, like me, you’ve ever gone door to door as part of church outreach, you will know that only a few people will answer the door let alone want to chat. By contrast, most older people are desperate for a chat, a hot drink and a connection with another person.
However, it would be wrong to regard older people as a captive audience. The utmost tact and discretion are required to ensure that we’re welcome and don’t outstay our welcome, particularly with people who struggle to express their wishes verbally. This requires great sensitivity and must never involve any form of coercion.
Moreover, if an older person is housebound (or care-home bound), and particularly if they’re single, then how many people will they see each day? Even in a care home where they’re likely to see several people, the staff are busy and other residents may be hard to relate to. In such a context, the value of a visitor, any visitor, is incredibly high.
It’s important to add a caveat here: a visit doesn’t always need to be long (e.g. over an hour). Often (and particularly when visiting people with moderate to advanced dementia), multiple short visits may be more effective than extended visits.
Given the realities of distance and lockdowns due to infectious diseases it’s important to recognise that our physical presence isn’t always possible. Thankfully, we live in a time where we can employ a range of other options. The first is ‘snail mail’. Everyone likes getting mail (except bills) so consider sending postcards, letters, goodies (e.g. reading material, sweets and nuts), books and DVDs. (Please be aware that some people have dietary issues, for example allergies, swallowing difficulties and diabetes.)
I visited one resident whose son – who lived over twenty hoursaway by car – arranged for a box of fruit to be delivered to his mum each week. Not only did it increase her fruit intake, but it also gave her the opportunity to give to others – a double gift.
Another option is phone calls. These don’t need to be long; indeed, my grandmother would stop most calls after two minutes with ‘I know this is costing you’ (despite multiple assurances that I had unlimited calls). A big advantage of a quick call is that I could make the call when I had a few spare minutes.
On the topic of phones, there are now a number of phones (both landline and mobile) designed for use by older people and people living with dementia. However, if an older person you’re caring for doesn’t have a phone and is in a care home, the home may have a phone they can take in to them.
Finally, there are a plethora of internet-based options such as email, WhatsApp and Zoom. I suggest to families that if their loved one can work an iPad, they might consider purchasing one so they can exchange texts, photos and videos. These allow the recipient the opportunity to reminisce and review their messages, and it can act as a ‘brag book’ to share with others.
Additionally, staff may be able to assist with setting up video calls and may be able to print photos.
Pastoral care
I’m very aware ‘pastoral care’ can be intimidating (e.g. ‘but I’m not a pastoral person’) but basic Christian pastoral care isn’t rocket science. It starts with a relationship with Jesus (we can’t share what we don’t have), is powered by prayer (‘Lord, help me’) and is typically expressed relationally (relationships normally start with our presence). So, if you’ve got this far through the book you’re well on your way!
Perhaps it would therefore be helpful to examine some basics of pastoral care:
• Try to hear and reflect people’s emotions. For example, ‘It sounds like you’re feeling sad/frustrated/angry’. Please don’t say, ‘I know how you feel’ – Jesus, who literally saw into people’s hearts, didn’t, so we certainly can’t!
• When you visit someone don’t feel you have to stay for an extended period. Short visits are often more effective than longer ones.
• Remember that not mentioning Jesus doesn’t make a visit – or indeed multiple visits – worthless.
• Demonstrate His love by listening and not by defending God. Both presence and listening are active gifts, not passive ones.
• Pastoral ministry is a marathon not a sprint, so please don’t give up.
• Please prioritise self-care. Burnout isn’t a mark of success!
• Get help! Being willing to admit ‘I don’t know what to say’ and referring someone to an expert is a sign of wisdom, not failure.
Having covered these basics, I strongly encourage everyone to continually seek to improve their pastoral and communication skills. Even the best communicators can improve, and both communication and pastoral care are life skills. The good news is that there are a range of great resources and courses aimed at improving pastoral skills and, as with everything else, ‘practice makes perfect’.
While this list may seem scary, the ‘to do’ list is very simple: practise the three Ps.
1. Prayer.
2. Presence.
3. Pastoral care.
Friends, Jesus loves you and has empowered you to pray, turn up and love people. Jesus will use you when you pray, turn up and love people.
Priceless People – Loving Older People & People Living with Dementia Ben R Bolland, Christian Focus 2025 Available at The Wandering Bookseller for $15.99
Main Image: Boland writes:This book is dedicated to my beloved father, Robert Alfred Boland, who taught me and showed me Jesus’ love both before and after he grew older and lived with more and one dementia.
So, it was very emotional to be able to give Dad a pre release copy.