We can never shame anyone into seeing truth or accepting Jesus: responding to transgender people

How should churches respond to transgender people? An exceprt from Gender Revolution, a new book by sexologist Patricia Weerakoon, pastor Kamal Weerakoon and thelogian Rob Smith.

What would you do if any of these scenarios arose in your church or ministry setting:

1. A biological male, married with two children, announces in his Bible study group that he is a woman and wants to be called by a female name and ‘she/her’ pronouns.
2. A few of the girls in your youth group declare themselves to be ‘trans’ or ‘non­binary’, and want to be addressed by their preferred pronouns, which vary from ‘they/them’ to ‘sie/hir’ and ‘ze/zir’.
3. You learn from one of the members of your newcomers’ follow­up team that a person dressed in female attire who has been attending your church for the last few weeks is a biological male on cross­sex hormones.

As a community in Christ, our first response to anyone struggling with sexual and gender confusion—be they people with a DSD, people who are same­sex attracted, or people who are gender incongruent—should be compassion and care, not censure. The church has not always shown grace to those struggling with sex­ or gender­related concerns. What’s more, we can never shame anyone into seeing truth or accepting Jesus. An instinctive response of disgust or condemnation will externally reinforce the painful feelings already being experienced by trans people, close down further opportunities to minister to them, and reinforce social prejudices that Christians are all judgemental bigots.

Jesus’ compassion propelled him to heal those who asked him. Christians must start by accepting our own fallenness and remembering the approach taken by our compassionate Saviour. From this starting point, we can then call others to join us in bringing ourselves, with all our weaknesses and failures, to the foot of the cross—to come to Christ in repentance and faith, just as we have. This can make all the difference as we seek to provide care and counsel for those in need.

With this foundational thought in place, let’s consider appropriate responses to our three scenarios and how these responses offer principles that can apply to a range of situations.

In this excerpt we’ll feature Scenario two

Our second scenario, where several girls in the church’s youth group have declared themselves to be ‘trans’ or ‘non­binary’, takes us into the phenomenon called ‘rapid­ onset gender dysphoria’ (ROGD). This is best understood as an outward manifestation of teen angst coupled with dissatisfaction with pubertal body changes. As we discussed in chapter six, ROGD is often fuelled by social media and peer pressure. While we will suggest some guidelines, always talk to your ministry/pastoral team, and don’t be afraid to seek outside help.

First, we recommend raising issues of sex and gender with young people as a priority before any of them come to you with transgender questions. This presents an opportunity for the youth ministry to discuss sex and gender issues from a biological, cultural and (most importantly) biblical viewpoint. Ideally, these issues should be discussed pre­emptively as part of the youth ministry’s teaching program. This communicates that the church is aware of these issues, is not ashamed to discuss them, and is also not ashamed to base its response on the Bible (and science). It also permits these basic principles to be discussed in a way that does not make a particular person or group of people feel ‘targeted’ and attacked. If these issues have not been raised before our scenario arises, it is still better to address them once they arise than to say nothing at all.

We also recommend creating opportunities to pre­emptively teach parents about the cultural pressures facing their teens. At the very least, make sure that the parents of those in the youth group are informed about your teaching program. Better still, why not invite them to attend the sessions?

On a more personal level, the youth worker or another member of the ministry staff should, with the girls’ knowledge, speak to their parents. Assess the parents’ knowledge of the situation and work out whether they are aware of their daughters’ desire to identify as transgender. It could be helpful for these conversations to also include other godly and mature members of the church, such as a respected lay leader or a close friend of the family who can offer additional insights and emotional support.

These ministry leaders need to prepare the parents to respond to their children’s self­revelations in ways that will open up, rather than close down, opportunities for further Christian ministry. Ideally, parents will need to respond in the same way as ministry leaders should respond: they should not renounce their belief in the reality and primacy of their child’s biological sex, but neither should they begin the conversation with their child by immediately asserting this truth. Help parents to see that the ‘world’ their child­ren inhabit is likely very different to anything they (the parents) have experienced. The internet and social media, radical secularity, sexual permissiveness, pornography and its side­effects, the prev­alence of hypersexualized self­identities, and other 21st­century social forces have all combined to make the opportunities and challenges facing our children significantly different from any­ thing that has come before. [1]

In our scenario, this would mean encouraging parents to listen to their daughter’s explanation of how she feels about her gen­ dered and sexual self, and why she feels that way (a simplified, informal version of formal ‘gender exploratory therapy’). Youth leaders and ministry leaders can also share their own cultural insights into the issues facing young people—though this must be done in a gentle and careful way that respects each girl’s own story, rather than treating her as a ‘statistic’.

Once the parents know more details about the world that their daughter inhabits, they will be better placed to reaffirm their love for their daughter as their biological daughter, who literally shares their parents’ DNA. [2]

In this approach, parents and ministry leaders are showing proper respect for the girl by listening to her until she feels under­ stood. But it also allows us to help the girls see that trans identity— not the Bible’s teaching—is false, burdensome and oppressive. We can show them how life in Christ is the way to be free, whole and authentic—in this life and the next.

But what of the girls who have come out as trans?

Talk to the girls individually and as a group. [see note] Assure them of your love and support. Avoid saying anything that could come across as patronising—for example, “I understand how hard puberty is”. Perhaps you do. But, as we said before, teenagers today face an avalanche of pressures that really are different from anything that’s gone before. Avoid saying things that sound judgmental—for example, “Your friends are making a mistake in going down the trans pathway”. As true as this might be, teenagers today live in a relativistic world where love, social justice and equality are all interpreted as endlessly permissive. So, avoid beginning conversations with language that enforces a set of moral values they may not share. Begin instead by exploring the girl’s moral values. What are they? Why do they hold them? Do they think their values align with the Bible’s teaching? Why or why not?

Listen carefully to their stories. Look for clues to what may have led them in this direction. Inquire about their use of social media— the influencers they follow and the accounts they frequent.

From there, you can gently suggest that they might only have one side of the story, and that the benefits and ease of transition may have been exaggerated. Encourage them to read about and listen to stories of detransitioners—the young women who have used cross­sex hormones and had double mastectomies, and then come to regret it. [3] If you’re not already aware of it, keep alert for evidence of depression, anxiety or autistic­type behaviour. Keep your ears open for any stories of family trauma.

Once you have some understanding of the girl’s situation, encourage her to disclose her circumstances to her parents. Ask her what she hopes to get from her parents: she may not be seek­ing unconditional affirmation; she may just want to tell her parents how she feels.

Just as we prepare the parents to hear the teens, we can prepare the teens to speak to the parents. In their book Emerging Gender Identities, Mark Yarhouse and Julia Sadusky offer tips that mentors can give to teens for this conversation with their parents. [4] These include encouraging the young person to be descriptive rather than blurting out a label. For example, instead of saying, “I am trans­ gender”, they could say something like: “This is really difficult and scary to tell you, but I want to share this with you so we can have an honest and open relationship. I experience my gender differ­ ently from most people …”

Encourage the teen to give her parents time and space to process what they’ve just heard. As we said before, adolescents think of themselves as adults and want to be treated as adults, even though they’re not yet. One of the tragedies of contemporary Western society is that adult maturity has come to be associated with the aggressive assertion of one’s rights, with little or no concern for the impact of our behaviour on others. This is an opportunity to teach our young people the opposite. Mature adults are patient, gentle and compassionate—even, or perhaps espe­cially, towards their parents. These are elements of the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22­23), the characteristics of Christlike godliness.

We can also encourage each of the girls to follow up the initial conversation. Again, use the chance to help them develop godly virtues. Encourage them not to assume that silence from their parents means anger; it’s more likely that their parents are shell­ shocked and don’t know what to do or say.

One of the common features in trans­identifying youth is the belief that they can only be ‘themselves’, and only find ‘love’ for who they really are, in their trans communities. It’s important for the church to offer these girls alternative sources of validation and affirmation. Get them involved in enjoyable group activities which have nothing to do with transgender issues. These may or may not be explicitly Christian activities. What’s important is that the rest of the group accepts the young person. God willing, this will help them realize that they don’t need to become trans to live a happy, wholesome life and to receive genuine love and support from a community.

Finally, but most importantly, assure the teen that their parents love them and so do you. Assure them that you will walk with them as they navigate their identity journey and will help them in any way you can. Pray for them and with them, and read the Bible with them. Provide then with other resources. [5] This is another opportunity to redefine their experience of love. We can demonstrate that real love puts people in touch with reality—the reality of our bodies, and of the real God who made us and loves us enough to die and rise for us.­

The Gender Revolution: A biblical, biological and compassionate response, by Patricia Weerakoon, Rob Smith and Kamal Weerakoon. Matthias Media 2023, available from The Wandering Bookseller $19.99

NOTE An important note: As we mentioned at the beginning of the book, some jurisdictions are legislating in an attempt to constrain what may be said and done in this area. For example, at the time of writing the Change or Suppression (Conversion) Practices Prohibition Act 2021 is in force in the Australian state of Victoria. It is well beyond the scope of this book to provide a full theological analysis of how Christians should interact with their governing authorities or to provide legal advice on how Christians ought to conduct themselves and their ministries in the face of laws that may be considered problematic or draconian. Again, we urge readers to know the legal framework that applies to them and to exercise wisdom and discretion. That wisdom includes determining how the unchanging need for obedience to God aligns with Paul’s injunction for Christians to “be subject to the governing authorities” (Rom 13:1). We therefore also urge readers to undertake prayerful and careful consideration

1. In fact, an awareness of this intergenerational cultural chasm shouldn’t be limited to transgender issues; it would be very helpful for Christian parenting in any number of ways.

2 This statement of course presumes the child is the parents’ progeny. It would need to be adjusted for mixed marriages and adoptees.

3  McHugh, ‘3 teens who thought they were trans’. See also Detrans Voices (detransvoices.org).

4  Yarhouse and Sadusky, Emerging Gender Identities, pp 158-160.

5 We recommend Patricia’s book Teen Sex by the Book: A call to countercultural living (3rd edn, Youthworks, 2019).