Charles Brammall on the toll of working as a chaplain in the entertainment industry
I was working at Sculpture by the Sea when I sadly encountered the first of six people over the ENTER years who took their lives, attempted to, or threatened to (see stories in the introduction). Tragically, three of these people were successful, and one became a paraplegic, jumping off his balcony in an attempt to take his life.
I had Mental Health issues in 2011, right in the middle of ENTER, due to a change in my medication, and it was no less than an agonising year for me. I call it my Annus Horribilis, although I know it barely compares to Her Majesty’s. I entered a period of deep depression, which sank into anxiety, followed by panic disorder, then for a very short time, suicidal ideation. This was completely out of character for me and had never happened before or since. This clearly shows that it was a neurochemical imbalance, not environmental, reactive, or due to a “melancholic” personality. My personality is actually very cheerful, positive and optimistic. I love life.
David Cook, our SPLAT (kid’s club) set builder, and Drs Jane Phillips and Alistair Carroll, were the three people who sensitively called me out on my Mental Health. This was admirable of them, as one of our very persuasive and controlling senior elders was in denial about it. And they were unwilling for us to be open about it with anyone, because of the stigma. I am literally eternally grateful to David, Jane and Al for lovingly and firmly calling me out. Humanly speaking I would not still be here if it wasn’t for them and other dear ones. And the mission would never have happened without them.
During that year I was pretty much bedridden on a single mattress on the floor beside our double bed. The only times I got up were to make the kids’ lunches, take them to school, lead our lunchtime groups, make dinner, take evening Bible studies, and preach. I would arrive at church at the last possible minute before the service started, and go and hide in the “vestry” (a grotty little junk-filled office in the bowling club). One of the symptoms of my depression was Social Phobia and Agoraphobia, so I couldn’t face talking to people. This made me anxious, and was debilitating. Also it made me antisocial (very out of character for me), which clearly made the mission/chaplaincy difficult, as it was all about people.
During the coffee breaks in the service I would slink miserably back to the vestry and hide, and repeat this at morning tea at the end of the service. At home my wife had to put pressure on me to get up and walk the dog, and hang out the washing. My lovely congregation was clearly aware that something was wrong, but nothing was ever said, because due to the stigma perceived by the one elder, nothing was ever done or said. This was the worst thing that could have happened.
It is difficult to describe Depression, Anxiety, Panic Disorder and suicidal ideation to someone who has not experienced them. And they affect different sufferers in many different ways. It is also hard to understand depression if you are the spouse of a sufferer. Some however do a great job. My wife of seven years Chiquit is a rare one- she is extraordinarily patient, empathic, compassionate, forgiving, and gracious. I give thanks for her daily.
With any other illness, like a broken leg, Asthma or Eczema, at least you can think clearly about it. But the sinister thing about Depression is that you can’t think about it clearly, because it affects the very bodily system that enables you to think- your brain and thinking. Some sufferers completely abandon any personal hygiene because it’s just too hard, physically and emotionally. I couldn’t bring myself to cut my hair, beard or finger or toenails, so they grew very long, a bit like Nebuchadnezar, Dan 4:13-16:
“Cut down the tree and chop off its branches; strip off its leaves and scatter its fruit… But leave the stump with its roots in the ground and with a band of iron and bronze around it… Let him be drenched with dew from the sky and share the plants of the earth with the animals.Let his mind be changed from that of a human, and let him be given the mind of an animal…”
I lost a great deal of weight, and at one stage even feared I would become Anorexic. I was extremely lethargic, tired, and slept a large part of every day. It made me realise why homeless people lying on city streets seem to spend so much time asleep. I’m sure many it not most of them are mentally ill. My limbs felt like lead- I could barely drag myself across a room.
I lost all interest in everything that normally gave me pleasure, like watching TV and movies, listening to music, cooking, researching Theology, and walking our dog. I wasn’t able to have any “future thoughts” or look forward to anything. I didn’t actually want to die, but I just didn’t want to be there anymore, if that’s what life was going to be like. I desperately wanted to stop having to do it anymore. It was just too sad and difficult and frightening. So I even got to the stage of choosing my method of suicide…
Then, about a year later, one random morning, ever so slowly, hour by hour and day by day, one step forward and two steps back, I began to ascend from it. I was like a trapped miner being drawn painstakingly slowly, up, and up, and up, into the light. Over months, ever so slowly, I came back to normal. It was the first morning in a year that I had woken up feeling happy, and I was unbelieving. I had forgotten what it was like. I wept in joy, but feared it would disappear again. Which it did, after about an hour. Then the next day it lasted about two hours, then on day three, three hours, the next day, the whole morning, and then finally, the whole day.
I had forgotten what it was like to feel happy- and that it was even possible. When I think or talk about that gradual ascent now, thirteen years later, I tear up and get a lump in my throat. It was a miraculous experience. In the middle of depression, you are utterly convinced it’ll never pass. I thought I’d be depressed for life, and it’s the most frightful thought. 2011 was a hellish year.
There are some helpful books on Anxiety and Depression in ministry, including Paul Grimmond’s “When The Noise Won’t Stop” about Anxiety and “Suffering Well” about suffering more generally. Also, Dr Arch Hart’s life-changing classic “Adrenaline and Stress”.