Marty Woods, a leader in Fusion, a Christian youth and Community organisation, has poured 50 years of experience mentoring men into his book “A Willing Spirit.” In this excerpt, he underlines the importance of confession.
What do you do in the moment when your mentee says to you, There is something I have never told anyone before? It may not happen regularly, but if it does here is a process that’s been invaluable for me.
A mentee had a sexual encounter with another guy at the age of twelve. He believed it was impossible to forgive himself. He withdrew from life, got low grades at school, avoided girls, and became anti-social. His parents were confused by his behaviour. He never felt he could tell anyone. Turning twenty, he was frus- trated with the impact of his withdrawal from life. What hap- pened at twelve was still controlling him. One evening, with all the courage he could muster, he chose to talk about it. He wept as his story unfolded. I listened until 3 am.
Inviting Jesus in, we broke this stronghold on his life. An act of confession healed and freed him. No longer bound by his past he tasted a new freedom. Speaking up, telling someone was a life- changing decision. He entered “life” again. At one level it may have felt like eight lost years. He would say he learnt deep lessons that keep resourcing him.
We all carry around pain, regrets, sadness. You don’t have to scratch the surface for too long before you discover pain. I have found that it’s rare for someone to go through adolescence without a skeleton or two in their closet. The act of confession is hard. It’s a challenge to be vulnerable if shame and guilt are strangling our sense of self.
The Process of Confession
We know all too well the dangers of a secret existence. It takes energy to keep things concealed. Confession is transformational and breaks the circuit of a hidden life. C.S. Lewis writes, “Most of us have never really faced the facts about ourselves until we uttered them aloud in plain words, calling a spade a spade.” Confession gives us an opportunity to bring light into our lives. Telling God, myself, then others the truth, frees my heart.
When levels of trust deepen in a mentoring relationship, men- tees increasingly feel free to be vulnerable. The question before them is, “Can I trust my mentor with something I have not shared previously?” Intuitively they know if it’s safe to trust. I could let them know that everything is safe with me, yet they are just words and it may not feel that way for them.
Your humble, joyful and trusting honesty disarmed me. I entered the conversation with walls up but by the end I was able to tell you everything. I knew I wouldn’t be judged – that’s been incredibly freeing.
When I hear a mentee say, I’ve never told this to anyone before, that’s the cue to prepare myself. My job is to listen and pray. How do they reach this place where they are ready to talk? Some men- tees have opened up after I’ve shared parts of my story with them. I recall having a meal with a young guy at a conference. He asked me about my life. As I spoke, I was caught by surprise with my tears that came as I talked. That was all he needed to believe that I was someone he could trust. He asked if we could talk again. Later that night he shared a secret life he’d never believed he would reveal to anyone.
There are other times, when I sense it’s a right moment to ask, “I wonder if there is anything that you want to tell me that you could be free of?” As they’ve already asked me to mentor them, Ifeel I can sensitively explore any past issues with them. It is an invi- tation. I don’t presume they have to, or need to, tell me anything.
You helped create a space where I could tell you something I had never told anyone. Once I felt safe you asked me the question about the flesh that no one had ever asked me. For years I had wanted to not be alone with that question.
There seemed no way I could talk about it. There was shame. I’d been in isolation for a long time. With your question instantly a bridge was there to talk about it. I didn’t realise how much hurt was there. I didn’t even know I needed healing. I can see I needed someone who could create space and invite me in.
It’s a courageous act when someone allows me in. They may be nervous, even frightened. I seek to be reassuring, reminding them what they tell me is confidential. I let them know that I have a lousy memory!
The moment comes, the air is thick. A choice is made. Vulnerability before breakthrough. The risk, the cost, the facing
of the weight of sin. It’s hard. Some sob, weep (at times uncon- trollably) with pain and sadness. An addiction to porn, a sexual encounter they deeply regret … a loss of innocence.
Some sit with a long silence before they can speak. If the tears come they’re unsure if it’s pain or relief or both. I try not to cry – sometimes though I am so moved by their courage and their story that tears flow. Yet I try to remain as separate as possible. I don’t want to come across nurturing or rescuing them in any way.
The die is cast. The infected boil is pierced. The pus comes out. There is no other way. The process can’t be rushed. It takes as long as it takes. I want to have sensitivity to where each person is andgive them the space they need.
Some are prepared and may have notes to remind them of what they want to get out. Most times though it’s a flow straight from the heart. Together with God they are doing the work. I watch in silence. I keep strong eye contact. All the while I’m praying, inviting the Holy Spirit to do a deep work.
I work at holding back any judgement to what they’ve confessed. I want to be a bearer of grace. I can only imagine the negative impact of me saying to them, “You did what?” I’m committed
to supporting them on this freedom journey. I try to live out mercy (getting inside their skin), empathy, patience, and love.
They are on their own journey of discovery – it’s no longer theory. I check if there is anything else they want to tell me. I remind them that freedom is coming. It is holy.
Confession clears the air. Once everything is in the light, I may read sections of Psalm 51. David’s deep remorse and repentance helps them see a way forward. I check on how they are feeling and ask if they’re ready to pray. They need time to deal with anything they want to. Once they sense all is dealt with, I often encourage them to kneel as they pray. I am always moved by how they pray.
After their prayer I find it helpful to play a priestly role with a prayer of absolution reinforcing they are forgiven. The past is over. There is nothing they need to go back to. I pray 1 John 1:9 over them, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” I speak these truths:
By His wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Psalms 103:12)
Sometimes I recount the story of Joshua in Zechariah:
Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, “Take off his filthy clothes.” Then he said to Joshua, “See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put fine garments on you.” (Zechariah 3:4-5)
I invite them to find, if it’s possible, a white t-shirt to put on to symbolise what has taken place. Once this part of the process is complete, I’ll ask how they feel. Mostly, the first response is deep relief. They’ve told someone something they never thought they
could. Often it is followed by sheer joy, at times laughter. From my side there may be a hug celebrating their new freedom. I thank them for their courage in opening up their story to me.
I often share these two verses:
At last we have freedom, for Christ has set us free! We must always cherish this truth and firmly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past. (Galatians 5:1 TPT)
But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)
I encourage them to read Psalm 51 a few times. I enjoy the Message translation where David describes his new life, “Soak me in your laundry and I’ll come out clean, scrub me and I’ll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once- broken bones to dancing” (Psalms 51:7-8 MSG). We mark this leaving of their old life and entering the new.
Excerpted with permission from A Willing Spirit, Mentoring and the Human Spirit, Marty Woods, Xulon Press, 2023. Available at awilllingspirit.com and online sellers for about $19 or free downloads at awilllingspirit.com